The Thinking 

An Alternative State of the Union Address

January 26, 2011


MR. SPEAKER, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, distinguished guests, and fellow Americans:

I would like to begin with an apology. My sincere regrets go to all Americans tonight for my disappointing performance over the past year. As you know, I do not believe in the language of divisiveness and therefore feel that it is only right that I personally assume responsibility for the anger and worry this country’s failing economy and recent government measures have caused.

First, I pledge to do everything I can in the year ahead to undo the recent health care legislation passed by Congress. In good conscience, I cannot continue to insist on something that is so contrary to the will of the people.

Second, I would like to introduce a new era in government. From this moment on, I pledge to work to protect our economy. The nations of the world do not have the right to trample on what is ours. That means I will do all in my power to restore American industry and reverse the disastrous course of globalization without unduly damaging our relations with other nations.

As part of this effort, all illegal aliens and their children must be returned to their home countries and legal immigration must be dramatically reduced. I vow to work toward these goals. Free trade has been an unmitigated disaster for the American people. It has created social chaos, declining fortunes and hopelessness. It has turned a mighty industrial nation into an effete and dying republic. We cannot survive on the information economy alone. We must produce and sell our own goods. To that end, I will be forming an emergency commission for the sole purpose of proposing new ways to curtail globalization and the off-shoring of jobs.

Thirdly, I have an important message for you. Our public education system is in a shambles. It is hideously expensive and inefficient, the greatest boondoggle known to man. I will be asking Congress to immediately eliminate the Department of Education, saving Americans many billions of dollars. I will also propose the creation of tax credits for all parents using private schools or educating their children at home. Our future as a nation depends on the slaying of this beast. In a mere one hundred years, compulsory state education has created a passive people. Whenever I visit a public school, I come away in sorrow even though I have never met a child who did not suggest something good and hopeful.

The task before us is immense and I am asking for your help. If there is division in this nation, it has been caused by my ideological allies and me. I have thought long and hard about what is right. There are many other changes I would like to make in the year ahead, but the most important one is mine. I apologize. 



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