I HAVE tirelessly attempted to prove to readers of this site that pizza is the Trojan Horse of Western society. I realize that many readers remain unconvinced, even to the point of consuming Domino’s two or three times a week.
Some people believe I bear some perverse grudge against pizza, which is the staff of life, and that this grudge probably has something to do with a messed-up childhood, failure to succeed or deeply embedded sexual repression.
So be it. I march on. It’s not easy being a pizza prophet — nor should it be.
Here is one more example of how pizza and the downfall of the West are inextricably linked. The Dallas-based chain Pizza Patron is giving free pizza to anyone who orders in Spanish.
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All I know, is that somehow, through the perverse workings of human nature, and in spite of the fact that I agree philosphically with you, all this talk of pizza has only resulted in our craving more pizza: green and black olives, mushrooms, onions, stoplight peppers, beef sausages, and cheeses all jump in the shopping cart to be hauled home and used in a semi-degrading manner to decorate the top of a pre-packaged deli cheese pizza crust. Sometimes I wonder if you have secret stock in Domino’s or Pizza Hut and you’re using reverse psychology on us…
Wow, that hadn’t even occurred to me, but it makes sense. Such is the Power of Pizza that the mere mention of it stimulates latent cheap-mozzarella sensors. (These sensors are evolutionary holdovers from the period when human beings were amoeba and ate mud.) That’s why pizza is the perfect food for totalitarian control. The pizza proletariat cannot stop themselves….. This is scary stuff.