The Thinking 

Pizza Convenience Advances

June 14, 2012


THE MODERN apocalypse leads with inexorable logic to pizza vending machines. Rene Lyon reports at Los Angeles Times that European pizza machines are coming to America this year. They are known as “Let’s Pizza,” a friendly invitation to self-destruction. The dispensed pies are made completely in a “human-free” environment so we know they are good.

This may be a plot to destroy America, which already hovers on the brink of Carbohydrate Catastrophe. Human history includes the Bronze Age, the Industrial Age, the Information Age and now the Pizza Age. Europe, the continent that once gave us tender, charred crusts made by oppressed mamas, is now fully involved in the Pizza Conspiracy.

The next step is pizza pills, complete with that je ne sais quois we have come to know and love. But you will need a prescription for that (along with some powdered cheap mozzarella dissolved in water). An overdose of Pizzavox, Pizzamyzatan or Pizzapiezene could be fatal.

— Comments —

N.W. writes:

Pizzapiezene! Wahahahaha, just teared up laughing :- )

Laura writes:

Methadone for pizza addicts. Obamacare is sure to cover it.

N.W. writes:

I imagine he’ll cover it like a double-cheese stuffed-hot-dog-crust pizza.

Laura writes:

Here’s the million dollar question. Will the vending machines dispense stuffed-hot-dog-crust pizza?

It would be a crime if they did not.

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