The Thinking 


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Detainee Released

July 30, 2015


THIS young exemplar of the New World Order recently returned from a six-month detention at an “Affirmatively Furthering Pizza” camp located on a small island off the coast of Alaska. Most American children avidly consume pizza, probably due to heavy exposure before birth. But those who don’t are sent away suddenly and without the permission of their guardians to this largely unknown government facility, where they watch Domino’s commercials and are force fed industrial novelties such as Totino’s Pizza Rolls, Pizza Bagel Bites and Pizza Poppers until they are conditioned to want nothing else.

This boy is back with his family. He has asked for Pizza Hut’s Hog Dog Crust Pizza with extra cheese for his next birthday dinner.


From Factory to Front Door

May 21, 2015

WE have not yet reached the point where one can simply think the word “pizza” and a deliveryman will show up at the front door. But we are getting close.


Typical American Family Orders Pizza

May 7, 2015



Our reliance on hand-held technology has provided the Pizza-Industrial Complex with ever-greater means of insinuating itself into our lives. It is reaching a point where even our physical safety depends upon the availability of deliverable pizza.

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The Pizza Princess

May 5, 2015


PRINCESS Charlotte is only a few days old and already the Pizza Industrial Complex is using her to tighten its grip on the British people. Pizza huts at selected locations across Great Britain are offering free slices to those who can prove they are named Charlotte.

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A Case of Pizza Resistance

January 29, 2013


MARY BURR writes:

I thought of you this evening as I watched this May 1965 episode of “Bewtiched.”  Samantha uses her magical powers to create an ad campaign for struggling a Italian restaurant owner named Mario. His business is failing because everyone wants pizza and Mario comes from a long line of culinary artisans who refuse to serve pizza. Samantha’s magic campaign is so effective that a manufacturer of pizza wants to cut a deal with Mario to make him rich.  Even for a million dollars, Mario refuses to make pizza.

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Eau de Pizza

December 6, 2012


THE pizzafication of society continues apace. In the latest development, Pizza Hut has marketed its own perfume, a scent alleged to smell like fresh-baked dough. That’s strange — Pizza Hut pizza doesn’t smell like fresh-baked dough.

Unfortunately, this perfume was a limited edition product and it has, unsurprisingly, sold out. We can only hope for more. And perhaps a Domino’s version too.

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Obama Gets Serious

October 15, 2012



How Many Pizzas Does It Take to Win the Presidency?

October 13, 2012


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The Relatively Silent Debate about Contraceptives and Health

October 13, 2012


IN THE latest entry about the issue of cancer, abortion and oral contraceptives, Samson, a physician, writes:

[M]ost doctors are utterly unaware of the abortion-OCP-and-breast-cancer controversy. Understand: it’s not merely that most doctors disagree that there is a link, but most have not heard that there is a debate surrounding the issue whatsoever. When I was in residency (within the past five years) I was going to do a research project on the question of a link between contraceptive pills and breast cancer, but was talked out of it by several supervisors who thought the topic was unworthy of investigation because they had never heard tell of it.

 To me, the issue highlights the power of the supposedly “unbiased” and “scientific” literature, but that is a whole other discussion.

When one thinks of how much public interest there is in the effects of pesticides on human health, the relative lack of interest in this subject is striking.

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Okay, There’s No Difference Between the Two Parties

October 11, 2012


A READER received this personal invitation from the Romney-Ryan campaign:

We are extending the deadline for you to enter for a chance to eat pizza with Mitt before joining the Romney-Ryan Team as I face off with Joe Biden at this week’s debate.

It will be a lot of fun, and it will be great to know the whole team is cheering me on. Read More »


The Pizza Cone

October 8, 2012


JOHN PURDY writes:

An innovation in pizza technology: Pizza Cones! Very popular in Europe apparently and they’re available in Canada.

Laura writes:

There is no limit to the breathtaking creativity that pizza inspires. According to the product information:

Pizza cornetto margarita is an innovative product of Metora Food, patented on the Greek market and 28 other countries. It is the advanced version of Personal Pizza, offering clean eating, ease of consumption, easy business cooking of many pieces, it’s rich in energy and it’s prepared without preservatives. It’s packed in one or six pieces.


Obama Clinches the Pizza Vote

September 12, 2012


THE ROAD to serfdom is paved with cheap tomato sauce and mozzarella asphalt. Obama walked into a Florida pizzeria this week and bought 20 pizzas with cash. The owner pledged his vote. “I just gave him a great big bear hug,” Scott Van Duzer said, the BBC reported. Smart move on the part of the president. Obama knows the power of the Pizza Industrial Complex.

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Pizza Trek

August 18, 2012


VINCENT C. writes:

Although I have previously pointed out that “the perfect pizza” can only be found where there are San Marzano tomatoes, mozzarella from the milk of buffalo, authentic Parmesan cheese, and skills acquired after years of apprenticeship to put these ingredients together in a wood-burning oven, a recent story in The Washington Post indicates that such raw materials are superfluous, for there are scientists now working on a project that will produce that “perfect pizza product.” It will be part of a menu offered to space travelers on the voyage to Mars in the 2030s. Read More »


Goodbye (and Have a Greasy Slice Before You Go)

July 18, 2012


BEN J. writes:

My company was just sold to a hated competitor, and they will be closing my office in Colorado, and laying me off in December. To add insult to injury, the ‘new’ company is buying the office pizza tomorrow, from a local chain so greasy, the pizza can soak through the box in 15 minutes, and a paper plate in a fifth of that time.

I find being asked to dine with those who are taking my job and my income rather insulting. But maybe I’m just too sensitive or too old-fashioned.


What’s the Perfect Food for Unitarians?

July 5, 2012


IF YOU don’t know the answer, go to your local Papa John’s and reflect on its theological implications.

A reader below explains.

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Pizza Convenience Advances

June 14, 2012


THE MODERN apocalypse leads with inexorable logic to pizza vending machines. Rene Lyon reports at Los Angeles Times that European pizza machines are coming to America this year. Read More »


One Woman Defies the Pizza-Industrial Complex

June 14, 2012


DRINA writes:

You have clarified before that homemade pizza is a perfectly good and acceptable food. Perhaps some of your readers who aren’t ready to give up pizza would consider making their own? I challenge them to make their own pizza for a few months and then try going back to cheese-product topped cardboard if they dare.

Pizza is on our family menu at least once a month, and we usually enjoy three basic kinds: regular tomato sauce, Alfredo sauce, and pesto. Read More »


Ruined by a Relative

May 25, 2012


PAUL writes:

I love your fight against pizza. You might even be right. I love it because it shows you are a normal person. What I’m about to say will be like one of those awful slasher movies to you, but you know I respect your views. Read More »

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