A READER writes:

Dear Professor Wood, 

Thank you for your teaching. Your site shows the young generation of women and men, my nieces and nephews and the children of my friends, a path which they see rarely on campus or on the job. One young man whom you influenced was recently baptized (Eastern Orthodox) at age thirty. 

You have written much about divorce, especially when children are involved, but I have not seen the following situation addressed. What is a man to do who was married while young to a woman who became increasingly feminist and refused to give him children for years, and continues to refuse to do so? What should we, his friends and relatives, encourage him to do (having already encouraged her to change her heart)? I might add that she is angry, bitter, spiteful and treats him with contempt. At this point, he still wants to have children, but no longer trusts her as a wife or mother. 

Were they Catholic, an annulment might have been in order (or would it not?), but they are not.

 Sincerely Yours,

A grateful reader

Laura writes:

Thank you.

 A marriage does not exist where one, or both, of the spouses refuses to have children. I don’t know Orthodox teaching on this. If annulment or divorce is impossible, it seems to me the only course for him is to separate from her and for the community of his supporters to informally shun her. That, unfortunately, does not mean he can remarry.  Perhaps she might change under even more pressure though from what you say that seems unlikely. In any event, it is not wrong for those who have tried to work sympathetically with her to now even more openly take sides without exhibiting any cruelty towards her.

 Marriage as an institution can’t be held together on the resources of individuals. However, in saying that I am not advocating regular intrusion or bullying or hasty partisan judgment, but simply the upholding of standards within a community that formally recognizes objective morality. Marriage requires communities. Compassionate friends and relatives are important when they are willing to carefully consider and when they care for the welfare of both parties. If, for instance, a community knows that a person has hit his or her spouse, it should quickly react, not necessarily by getting the courts involved (and, in fact, getting the courts involved may be the last thing they should do) but with harsh condemnation and possibly protection for the weaker party. Unfortunately, this does cause friction and messiness, but it can’t be avoided.

Refusing to have children is a basic form of infidelity. No one can force her to have children.

That’s a sad story. 

                                             — Comments —

Roger G. writes:

He’s entitled to, and years ago should have gotten, a divorce or annulment or I don’t care what you call it. Abandoning a spouse for sterility is despicable, but of course that is not the case here. Where one spouse wants children and the other doesn’t, then the marriage should be terminated and the spouse who wants children should have another shot. Get that man into a marriage where he can start having as many children as possible, and please do so immediately.

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